I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Still dying that you shit outside
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
