Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
