Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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