She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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