i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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