and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
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Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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