You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
