U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
