Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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