How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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