I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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