on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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