i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
