i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
