I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
