If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
handjob tips. give me some.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
