I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
