four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
