If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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