I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
