Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
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So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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