girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
