I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
