I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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