I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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