Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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