My Higher Power is John Stamos
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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