Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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