we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
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I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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