I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Holy shit dude........stairs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
