Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?