I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
