You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
