my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
