Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
