masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
