i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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