I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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