Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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