You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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