My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
