Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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