he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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