people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
