I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
