I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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