proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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