apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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