Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
