dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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