I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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