My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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