Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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