There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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