I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
