Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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