i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You're like the curious george of whores
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
