Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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