My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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